‘Squirrelling around’: Suspicious activity at State Secretary’s Home
At 14:13 EDT on November 15, 2025, a squirrel was spotted climbing the residence of Secretary of State Auden Watts.
Watts noticed the squirrel while proudly waving the Americonian flag outside. He claims that the squirrel was inches from his bedroom window when it realized it was being watched.
“I saw it climbing up the wall of my house,” Watts said. “It was adjacent to my bedroom window when it turned around and saw me with my flag. It must have gotten scared, because it ran as soon as I saw it. I couldn’t get a picture of it due to a malfunction with my cellular device.”
“I didn’t say anything to the squirrel when I saw it,” he elaborated. “In my mind, I was more confused than anything. This squirrel wants to scale the personal residency of our Secretary of State? What happened to ‘good fences make good neighbors’? Before it was our motto, it was our official foreign policy towards the squirrels.” (True story.)
The Department of State has said it “cannot rule out the possibility that the squirrel is a spy”. However, Secretary Auden Watts does not consider this a strong possibility. “While it’s certainly possible that it was searching for classified documents,” he stated, “it is far more likely that he was simply searching for food.”
The Department of State has not taken any diplomatic action against the squirrels, who appear to have no organized government.
Squirrels have a remarkable reflex to always land on their feet, sort of like cats. Therefore, if a squirrel tries to invade an Americonian building, it is perfectly safe to launch them onto the grass. I hope we remain safe from the squirrels. Also please keep in mind that most squirrels are not spies! Scientists have studies squirrels for decades and there are no reports of any squirrels working for the Nico Party. It is most likely that the squirrel at Watts's residence was only looking for grain.
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